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Apply to be a “Roving Reporter” in Libya. Egypt. Or Tunisia
Every time you turn on the TV these days there seems to be “A conflict” in another North African / Middle Eastern Country. Think of the poor reporters and cameramen whose job it is to capture these scenes for our viewing pleasure!
Whether it’s running from Pro-Gadaffi forces, keeping up with Coptic Christians or simply taking down the name of Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali it’s all likely to burn calories. With explosions, gas and the overriding constant fear of death you don’t need a personal trainer to motivate you or pay an expensive gym membership you’ll never use either.
Join the BYU Basketball program (just keep the sex to yourself!)
This past week sophomore forward Brandon Davies was removed from the BYU basketball team for that ultimate calorie burner – having sex his girlfriend. This puritanical example being made of Davies should actually add pounds (and lots of frustration) to the basketball team.
However, BYU’s “Honor Code” that was so wrongly violated stipulates no alcohol, no drugs and no cheating on homework. The team will have to do lots of running around on and off the court to stay on the right side of that “law”.
Go panther hunting in the suburbs of Florida
Residents in Southern Florida have had to get off their couches and defend their property against panthers recently. Back in the 90s Florida’s fish and life institute decided to intervene when panther numbers dwindled. They also thought more panthers would help control the rising hog number is the area. They forgot to think of the almost 300,000 humans living in the area and nobody told the panthers we were off the menu.
“It’s different than going to the park and seeing it in the park, we’re in the park!” said one Florida resident who has now brought new sneakers and is working on improving his P.B in the daily car to house dash. Ever see a fat caveman?
Go “Pirate Hunting” in the seas of Somalia
The Somalian pirates are becoming a real pain in the ass. As if capturing and holding oil tankers for millions of dollars ransom wasn’t bad enough, they recently killed a couple of innocent American tourists. Still, they didn’t all live to tell the tale (yo ho ho) and there’s plenty of live targets still out there.
Contracts have gone out to several mercenary contractors across the world with big rewards levied on their heads. But why should they have all the fun? Chasing these madmen down in a rubber dingy or allowing them to capture you in a Jack Baur-esque ploy would do wonders for the waistline. You could also buy lots of calorie-burning gym equipment with the reward money.
Hire Michael Jackson’s personal physician (he just might be available)
Much blame has been laid at the feet of Dr Conrad Murray but his patient’s weight was just 110 lbs at the time of his death. He should have weighed 140lbs by most medical standards. Clearly, Dr. Jackson is pushing back these medical standards and may even be a medical genius. Jackson was actually able to complete 10 grueling auditions prior to his death and Dr Murray is sure to have some interesting views on “Ideal Weight” and diet.
Remain in bed for as long as it takes for Charlie Sheen to get sober.
It’s been another interesting week for Mr. Sheen. He has been fired from Warner Brothers, hit show “Two and a half men” and set a new world record for the fastest time to reach 1 million “Twitter” followers.
The hell-raising star has now chalked up 5 visits to rehab. We estimate his latest visit could last for a while. If you decided to stay-in-bed during this time you could not fail to lose weight!
Give up alcohol, fast food and potato chips for as long as it takes Justin Beiber to grow a moustache
Everybody’s favorite, Justin Beiber has reported in the press that he’d like to grow a moustache. In addition to this earth-shattering news he added he plans to achieve this feat of mind-over-body by not shaving for a month.
He is sure to be in the news every day until then so why not show solidarity with his sacrifice by giving up alcohol, fast food and potato chips? Chances are it could take more than a month and you made real gains whilst Justin waits for the onset of puberty to appear.
Run three miles every day until “A leading scientologist” comes out…
This one could also take some time, too. Rumors have abounded in Hollywood (and across the world) that a famous actor / scientologist is not being all together honest with his fans. British comedian Ricky Gervais made daring reference to the oft-whispered accusations at the recent Emmy awards show.
Rumors are hurtful and a person’s sexuality should not be a concern of ours. However, we can make this particular rumor a force for good by running 3 miles for every day it remains unconfirmed. Not only will this make tedious entertainment “news” more bearable (as with Beiber’s facial hair) but if it is not confirmed you will be still burning over 300 calories a day.
Re-enact “127 Hours”
This was the ultimate in diet movies. Firstly, you need to get a bike and bike out to the middle of nowhere. Then you need to go hiking, climbing and swimming. All this exercise is really a warm-up for the major innovation – trap yourself in a deep, dark hole for 5 days without any food or water!
For good measure sever a hand too. I defy anybody to not have lost 10lbs after that fitness regimen.
Contact Steven Tyler’s Plastic Surgeon
If you can’t get there fairly or really need to lose weight for a pressing engagement – cheat. Contact Steven Tyler’s plastic surgeon today and ask about gastric bypasses, liposuction and body contouring (as also advertised at many gyms!). Start looking like an “American Idol” today!
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